The Stupid Things I Do For Love 2

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I woke up last night with tears. It is with those droplets that I found myself longing for that one person. In my dream it feels so true, him beside me and I holding his arms. I so miss him. But I cannot be with him anymore, because as with the movies, he's the one who already got away.

Four years of travelling aimlessly. I didn't have a destination to go to. I'm lost and I can't blame anyone because it's my fault. I decided to venture on a new relationship. It’s not wholeheartedly done, but I went on to it. I didn't know it was the biggest mistake that I'll ever do in my life and it was the start of the long, dark and road-less travel.

I wasn't ready. I didn't pack my things right. I just put myself in a hopeless battle and when all spears stroked to my heart, I can't fight anymore. All I can do is absorb each punches and mental paralysis (kinda) , to lay there trampled and blame myself for putting myself into it. Never came a time I didn't thought of my old self, of how things would have been better if I never left my heart from him. Him, the guy who was first in everything. But also the first that I've hurt.

He was down to earth, a little impatient, very innovative, loves games and dogs. We clicked the first time and we had it going for more than 2 years. I'm his first, he's also my first. And as it with everyone, we wished we will be the last and forever (ahem). But things didn't go well, especially when the rough times come, and we could only rely on our patience with each other. I fall out of the circle that we built, and eventually wrote my own life. I was dumb, I was so STUPID, to think that I can always get what I want. That I can have more. But it was too late when I realized I already had him, the best for me.

What happened after all those years is both good and bad. Bad that I refused the life that would have been better, the family that could have been and the great love that I would have been feeling today. Good that through all those experiences, it molded me to the strong hearted (a little numb) and courageous person today, and I'm thankful. This would have been my destiny, and for whatever reason this happened , I'm hoping that I'll reach my happy place and that all would make sense.

It was four years. Tomorrow is his birthday and if ever, just if ever, he will read this, I hope it came to him that I'm sorry and that I wish him well.

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